Explanations?... or Excuses?

Which of the following "explanations" have you heard (or used!) in the past few weeks?

* I need to reward myself for being so good.

* The boss hates me.

* It's been too hot (too cold, too rainy) to exercise

* Of course I have problems. I'm a middle child.

* It was the alcohol talking.

It's pretty obvious that the above "explanations" are basically excuses for avoiding responsibility. Your "inner brat" uses such excuses to justify overeating, underachievement and saying hurtful things.

Next look at the following. They almost seem like plausible explanations:

* Sorry I'm late again. There was a lot of traffic.

* I haven't had a chance to call her back. It's been crazy around here.

* I never went to college because my parents didn't encourage me.

* I didn't want to hurt your feelings.

* I can't seem to get things done because of my ADHD (attention deficit hyperactivity disorder).

But these, too, are still excuses, not explanations. If you examine the above statements more closely, you will find that they are not entirely explanatory, and are easily challenged. For example:

* Being chronically late is not caused by traffic; it's caused by not leaving enough time for travel.

* If a phone call is important enough, a person will almost always find the time.

* Lack of parental encouragement may have some influence on one's life, but eventually we all have choices to make about investing our time and energy.

* Most of the time people avoid confrontation not to protect someone else's feelings, but to protect their own.

* People with ADHD need to work harder to stay focused but this does not mean they cannot complete their tasks.

A true explanation shows a cause-and-effect relationship: Situation X caused Consequence Y. Excuses masquerade as explanations, but are really distortions of the truth. Excuses include following elements:

1. They usually blame other people or external circumstances -- e.g., "I hit him because he made me mad," or "You're too sensitive," or "It was just my bad luck."

2. When they blame oneself, they usually invoke a personal trait or limitation -- e.g., "I'm not good at keeping track of bills," or "You KNOW I never remember details," or "I have no self-discipline."

3. They minimize the impact of insults, breaches of trust, and harm to others -- e.g., "Everybody does it." or "Why are you so upset? It's no big deal"

4. They attempt to absolve the excuse-maker of personal responsibility.

5. They seem to make more sense after the fact, than they would have beforehand -- e.g., you might rationalize, "I deserved that pound of Godiva chocolates because I worked hard all day." But would it really make sense to say, "If I work hard today the best reward for my efforts is a pound of Godivas?"

It's very tempting to make excuses. In fact it is one of your inner brat's favorite strategies. Excuses serve to protect you from facing your own shortcomings. They also try to keep other people from noticing your limitations. Excuses are a way of saying, "I'm really a good person, but . . ."

At the same time, however, excuses are only a temporary, quick fix. You may feel better for the moment, but in the long run you are dissatisfied with yourself.

No one has ever felt uplifted by making an excuse. Facing the truth is sometimes difficult, but it gives you the opportunity to take charge, to make positive decisions and to gradually eliminate the need for excuses.

Here are some tips:

1. Face the fact that you screwed up. For minor transgressions, it's not the end of the world. For major problems, your excuse isn't going to reverse the situation anyway. Things are what they are, and you can only move forward from there.

2. Apologize. Acknowledge that it was your own fault. Keep it simple; e.g., "I'm sorry I'm late. I didn't allow enough time for traffic problems." Notice how this example starts with the word "I" in the explanation.

3. Offer to make amends; e.g., "I won't let it happen again," or "Is there some way I can make this up to you?"

4. Learn from the experience. Make a decision about how you will handle this or similar situations in the future.

5. Write down your decision and treat it as a promise to yourself. This is especially useful for excuses you make to yourself, such as when you rationalize procrastination or abandoning your exercise program.

Copyright Pauline Wallin, Ph.D. 2005. All rights reserved

Pauline Wallin, Ph.D. is a psychologist in Camp Hill, PA, and author of "Taming Your Inner Brat: A Guide for Transforming Self-defeating Behavior" (Wildcat Canyon Press, 2004) She is also a life coach.

Visit http://www.innerbrat.com for more information, and subscribe to her free, monthly Inner Brat Newsletter.



Интернет магазин с моментальной доставкой товара. Betamax, Skype, Rynga, VoIP, Sipnet

Меховой Шик - Сеть меховых салонов в г. Находка. Рысь, Шиншилла, Норка и каракульча.

Ten Tips to Create More Life for Your Life

When people begin to investigate career change, often they don't... Read More

Productivity Engineering

Review: Productivity Engineering- A hypnosis program to help you improve... Read More

Facing Our Fears

'You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in... Read More

The ONE Question Winners ALWAYS Ask?.

Over the past several years I have experienced my fair... Read More

7 Tips For Lasting Motivation And Greater Success

Lasting motivation is possible once you adopt an outlook that... Read More

Are You the Motivator

We're all aware of how important teamwork is and how... Read More

Fear Emotions - Positive or Negative?

What is fear's purpose? How do you handle it? While... Read More

Define Your Own Future - Shatter The Crystal Ball!

When I decided to look into remote viewing, I had... Read More

Making A Lot Out Of A Little - Use It Or Lose It

"Making a lot out of a little"Ever noticed how some... Read More

The Reason Nothing Happens - Is Because Nothing Is Happening!

I hear many clients declare how boring and stagnant their... Read More

Challenge Yourself - Stretch Your Boundaries Daily!

Many times we fall into a sedentary lifestyle because we... Read More

The Conversation of Recovery - Part Two

The listening for the Conversation of possibilities will be even... Read More

How To Deal With Denial

Denial is a coping mechanism commonly used when something happens... Read More

Mindfulness and Birthdays: Surprising Moments

The first week of May is a big birthday time... Read More

REST: The New Strategy for Business and Life Success

No matter how many times you have vowed to change... Read More

How To Become More Patient

"Lord give me patience ? and hurry!"Have you ever prayed... Read More

How Much Fight Is In You?

"All the adversity I've had in my life, all my... Read More

Motivation: The Power of Asking

Very shortly, in this paragraph, I'm going to share with... Read More

Self Confidence : The Importance of Will-Power

The importance of will-power is recognized by most men, yet... Read More

Making Things Happen

We are all given the tools, but it is up... Read More

Vanity Killed My Car

When I was a freshman in college, my first car... Read More

Are You Ready To Make A Strong Finish?

Talk about a strong finish! In their inspiring story of... Read More

The Road Less Traveled

Can someone please tell me why it is that men... Read More

A Woman?s Road To True Beauty

We live in a world where society dictates the norm.... Read More

8 Super Ways To Avoid Procrastination

We are all guilty of delaying what needs to be... Read More